Bad Joke of the Day 15

A pirate went to a dermatologist to look at some suspicious moles on his back. The doctor assured him that they’re benign.

“Arrrrgh,” said the pirate, “check again because when I counted there be ten!”

- PUNS @ThePunnyWorld | 10:38 AM · Jul 28, 2023

It was Victory Day in Moscow - good old Leonid Брежнев was in charge.

There were three VIP guests ... Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, and Napoleon Bonaparte.

As the parade got in full swing, and the land troops marched in their endless formations, Alexander remarked: “Comrade Brezhnev, with these fine soldiers in my command, I would finish my conquest of Asia!”

Leonid cracked a smile, and made vodka ваше здоровье with Alexander, pleased at the praise.

On it went, and as the proud fighter jet pilots whooshed through the sky above, Julius was watching with hawkish impression, then exclaimed; “Comrade Brezhnev, if I would have your air force, I would conquer the whole world!”

Leonid guffawed loudly, made another vodka ваше здоровье with Julius, visibly glowing.

Then everybody’s eyes went to Napoleon, who had said nothing. He was holding a copy of Pravda, the main newspaper of Soviet Union, and seemed to be inspecting it thoroughly.

Moments passed, until Brezhnev harrumphed extensively to gain Napoleon’s attention.

...for a few seconds longer, Napoleon remained still, then turned to the trio, with his eyes completely wide open as if in disbelief or marvel ... and with the utmost reverence, stated slowly:

“Comrade Brezhnev! If I would have had a newspaper like this in my day, nobody need ever have found out that I lost in Waterloo!”

I was once so broke that I couldn't afford to pay my electric bill.

Those were dark days.

>4 weird_O: cute

>4 weird_O: Groan

>3 foggidawn: Some more in a similar vein...

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage, but I lost the case.

Justice is a dish best served cold, because if it were served warm, it would be just water.

I tried to escape the Apple store, but I couldn't because there were no Windows.

I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something horrible is about to happen... I can feel it.

She was only a whiskey maker, but I loved her still.

The school I went to was sponsored by IKEA. Assembly took ages.

>7 AHS-Wolfy: Great one liners
> She was only a whiskey maker, but I loved her still.

That one really appeals to my palate

I'm appropriating it in a haiku, thank you very much for the idea

I once met a girl,
She could only make whiskey -
But I loved her still

>7 AHS-Wolfy: I laughed out loud (Lol-ed). 😄
Thanks for sharing!

An 8 year old boy told this one:

What do you call a man who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor.

Most bald people still own a comb.

They just aren't able to part with it.

A group of students were having a loud discussion about their science paper (with an element of showing off I suppose).

A loud drunk, a rather neanderthal looking guy, started jeering them and said: "Ye all think you’re so friggin smart, huh? Well I’ll have you know I’ve got a brother an’ he’s the brains of the science department in Trinity College!"

After a brief silence a voice was heard to say : "Is he in a jar?"

_________________________________________

Background - that joke works best for the Trinity in Ireland of course

Trinity College, Dublin (est. 1592)
Erwin Schrödinger, Oscar Wilde, Jonathan Swift

Trinity College, Cambridge (est. 1546)
Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, Stephen Hawking.

Trinity College, Oxford (est. 1555)
Edmund Hillary, J.R.R. Tolkien, Stephen Fry.

PS1: I'm lucky to have visited all three.

PS2: All 9 published works, even Edmund who wrote at least 4 between 1955 and 2000.

I saw a TV with a broken volume button for sale for only 5 bucks. How could I turn that down?

>13 Darth-Heather: Many TVs have a brightness control, but it doesn't seem to affect the level of intelligence in the shows.

>14 rgurskey:
I felt very intelligent when I turned it high. Don’t tell me it wasn’t working that way.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeep says, "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am." - and promptly vanishes from existence.
 
 
You see, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think; therefore, I am", but to explain the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Why don’t monsters eat ghosts?

They taste like sheet!

Autocorrect makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.

!!!!!!!! I think you just broke the internet!

Not a joke, but two good for a chuckle comments made regarding the death of Bob Barker. (It helps if you're familiar with "The Price Is Right")

I hope he didn't hear "Bob Barker! Come on down!"

He got as close to 100 as he could without going over.

>12 Nick-Myra:: Trinity College, Oxford (est. 1555) Edmund Hillary, J.R.R. Tolkien, Stephen Fry.

Wot?! Tolkien was at Exeter College, not Trinity; Stephen Fry was at Queens' Cambridge; Edmund Hillary dropped out of college in Auckland, New Zealand.

>21 MyopicBookworm: That's Bard for you, I suppose it's defence is in its disclaimer and claiming that 67% is not bad accuracy.

There is some strong connection between Tolkien and Trinity, Oxford isn't there? (I'm not going to check that suspicion though)

I am so deathly afraid of asking my wife to clean up after breakfast that I have been walking around on eggshells all day.

I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.

LOL!

>24 rgurskey: Best worst joke for a while ...

>24 rgurskey: Having given the cemetery's employees a COL raise this year, methinks I should bring this up at work. Only, my last day was last week. :)

Bilbo Baggins of the shire died in bed last night after an overdose of viagra.

I guess old Hobbits die hard.

Don't be mad at lazy people. They didn't do anything.

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity...cannot put it down.

A photon checks in to a hotel. Receptionist "Any luggage". "No, I'm travelling light.

If 666 is all evil, then 25.806975 is the root of all evil.

>31 ScoLgo: 😂

>31 ScoLgo: reminds me of:

to get a girl, you need time and money.
girls= time x money

time is money
girls = money^2

money is the root of all evil
girls=evil

QED

Someone should think of a version with a less old-fashioned view of girls, though.

Geology rocks! But geography is where it's at.

Imagine if Americans suddenly switched from pounds to kilometers overnight. That would be mass confusion.

I ran into a lamppost yesterday. Luckily, I only sustained light injuries.

If math is mathematical. And a quiz is quizzical. What are tests?

>31 ScoLgo: And this proves that the root of evil is irrational.

Did you know that evil is the sum of roulette ?!

evilsum = \sprintf("%d+",0:36) "00"\; disp(evilsum); eval(evilsum)

0+1+2+3+4+5+6+7+8+9+10+11+12+13+14+15+16+17+18+19+20+21+22+23
+24+25+26+27+28+29+30+31+32+33+34+35+36+00

ans = 666

Seen on Facebook....

Most people have heard of Karl Marx the philosopher but few know of his sister Onya the Olympic runner. Her name is still mentioned at the start of every race.

Q: What kind of doctor was Dr. Pepper anyway?

A: FIZZician.

The urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is just a whim away.

Whiskey may not fix everything - but it's worth a shot.

My wife asked for a divorce saying I was too un-American - but I actually saw it coming from a kilometer away.

>22 Nick-Myra:

Christopher Tolkien studied at Trinity, Oxford.

Q: What happens if someone slaps you at high frequency?

A: It hertz.

>39 MyopicBookworm: Thank you - I remembered my association of JRR with Trinity, Oxf - it was that he and CS Lewis used to hangout in a literary society in coffee bars there.

I am now au fait with Christopher, thanks for this lead.

> Christopher Tolkien, J.R.R.'s youngest son, had a close and personal link with his father. He was his father's literary executor, and he worked tirelessly to preserve and publish his father's work. His work has made a significant contribution to our understanding of J.R.R. Tolkien's legendarium.

> In addition to his work as a scholar and editor, He was also a writer. He published several books of his own, including Tree and Leaf and Smith of Wootton Major.

Wonder if the latter has anything to do with little village of Wotton-Under-Edge, a little bit West of Oxford, which I happened to visit through a strange turn of events.

>40 ScoLgo:

> A: It hertz.

:-D ... I really resonate with this one.

>42 Nick-Myra: That joke has cycled through the BJotD thread several times.

>42 Nick-Myra: >43 WholeHouseLibrary: The classic comment of the Neapolitan street-corner yob seems appropriate to this pun: Vecchia, ma ancora bella (old, but still beautiful -- not exactly tactful when applied as normal to a female tourist!).

>44 hfglen: I would take it as a compliment. Reminds me of the LT group I created for talking about our older books - Tattered but still Lovely.

>44 hfglen: The advantage of gossiping about tourists is often the barriera linguistica (looks like those are appropriated words, can't imagine that concept was ever applicable in the forum Romanum).

Saw this on FB.
A woman had a thing for Data and asked if he would go kayaking with her.

Data: Sorry, I'm an android, not a row bot.

>47 MrsLee: Terrible! I'm going to use that one.

Also seen on FB:

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.

They didn't planet that way.

>49 bernsad: Nice anecdote, trying to work in a combination punchline :

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.

They didn't planet that way, but when they heard Earth, Wind and Fire on the jukebox they were attracted closer.

>49 bernsad:

I didn't know of a singer Venus Williams, and google can't find anyone apart from the tennis star.

Interesting that google turned up her WTA tennis page, and there was no mention of singing on that page - standard trick, download the html to see why google indexed this page, and there it is hiding in a widget not visible on the page.

I really didn't know all these facts about Venus ...

Full name is Venus Ebony Starr Williams

Sisters are Serena, Isha (lawyer, singer), Lyndrea (actress, singer, stylist, computer science major) and Yetunde (deceased September 14, 2003); is a Jehovah's Witness, along with sisters and mother

After being diagnosed with Sjögren's Syndrome in 2011, adopted a vegan/raw foods diet to help decrease inflammation in her body and reduce energy-sapping symptoms of the disease (is a self-described "cheagan")

Loves karaoke (favorite songs to sing are 6 Underground by the Sneaker Pimps, Stupid Girl by Garbage, Call Me by Blondie, Gold Dust Woman by Fleetwood Mac, Tom Sawyer by Rush and Barracuda by Heart)

>50 Nick-Myra: Love it!

After spending hours trying to get my on-line bank to transfer $100 to my daughter's account without success, I have developed a sneaking admiration for the skills of fraudsters who manage to get away with $millions.

>50 Nick-Myra: Nice!

If USA is so great, why did they create USB ?

>40 ScoLgo: That sounds painful.

Why can pirates never find the book they want in the library?

Because they come in asking for ARRR but they're always running away going to C!

Told a friend I have a crush on Beyoncé.

"Whatever floats your boat," they replied.

"No," I said, "that's buoyancy."

Ah-hahaha!

>16 ScoLgo: >49 bernsad: >50 Nick-Myra:

A Machine Learning algorithm walks into a bar.

186 times.

But on the 187th attempt it managed to find a path around it.

And on the 188th it became the bartender - and all the other bartenders were fired.

Heee

>61 Nick-Myra: One of my favourite books is ONE (by an author who sounds like a composer), and I have two copies of it - am reading it again, both in parallel at different places, one is in my walking kit, the other on my coffee table (it does not have a 1 on the cover, but an Infinity symbol).

And one of my favourite music tracks is also ONE (by a band that sounds more like an aircraft engineering outfit), I must have many releases and covers of this. Apparently the band only released 2 versions of this, though the digitally remastered version is top quality. (I cannot corroborate Bard's "there are 50 cover versions", I suspect there are 500 covers by home artists on YouTube).

Autumn days come quickly, like the running of a hound on the moor.
– Irish proverb
-------------------------------------
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana. 😃

Cute joke - Esperanto article had the clickbait phrase "unless in a joke", and while Bard cannot translate to or from Esperanto, it still has some-such jokes, and this one is the pick of them (with my keyword translation).

Kial la libro pri matematiko iris al la psikiatro?
Car gi havis problemojn!

Maths book --> psychiatrist?
Had problems!

I used to be a bookworm then I tried audio tapes, now im a tapeworm

>66 cindydavid4: LOL!!

I bet she's at the airport.

>69 rgurskey: Looks more like a subway carriage upholstered seat to me - that blue pattern kind of rings a bell with one of the London Underground lines.

Look at the reflection in the glass behind her, there's a guy on his phone on a seat facing her about 8 feet away - typical of a tube train.

>68 Nick-Myra: It’s an Underground movement.

>71 humouress: lol! 😂